This past week has been, arguably, one of the hardest that I’ve
yet endured in my 23 years. The why’s of it or the how’s of it are not
important to the rest of what I have to say, so please take that opening for
what it is and then read on to what I’ve come to realize in light of that
statement. In the past week I went from a very positive attitude, to a very
dark place, to today... where I’m not really sure what I am. But I do know that
the faith that I thought I so strongly had is actually not very strong at all.
I helped to lead
worship at Trinity CRC today and have been doing so for many years. But over
the last couple of months, since hiring a new worship leader, Adam, I’ve been
noticing some things. Whenever it is my turn to be upfront helping to lead,
Adam and I have been having conversations during the service about what worship
is, where Adam and other leadership hope Trinity is going and how we worship
can really move and guide things in a particular direction; for example, if we
appear bored with worship then that is how, collectively, our worship will
appear, but if we not only appear but are genuinely excited with worship then
eventually that fire, that excitement for worship and Christ will start to
appear in all areas of the Church and life, not just in one person but in many.
One of the conversations that Adam and I have had repeatedly
is about being intentional. Intentional in worship, in faith, in prayer. Not
just being intentional in the songs that are chosen to sing, or the liturgy that
is read, or the sermons that are given. But being intentional about moving from an
individualistic style of worship to a corporate style of worship. Where
coming to church isn’t only for the purpose of being filled for yourself and
then walking out the door until next week; but coming to church, after a whole
week of hopefully living for and with Christ, and worshipping our God in a
Spirit-filled way. Where we set aside our inhibitions, our complaints, our nitpicky
ideas of what Church ‘ought to be’ and we get dirty, we dig deep, we talk about
what is hurting us, we turn to the church for help and we ultimately celebrate
the hope that is Christ, the hope that we find in Christ, the hope that, as a
church, we should be shouting to everyone around us. Because isn’t that what
being an intentional Christian is? Isn’t that what we want to be? A body of
believers who cannot keep inside the hope of the eternal King but be so excited
about the assurance we have that all we can do is proclaim it to the world
around us?
This week has been one of the hardest of my life. There were
moments when I wanted to pray but had no words. Where I wanted to worship but
my heart was too broken. Where I finally came to the realization, that while
there will be times in life that praying is too hard to do alone and I need
warriors to surround me, that my faith was even weaker than that. I was too
weak in my faith and in my prayer and in my trust that I didn’t know what
direction was up. It’s been the last few months of conversation with Adam and
the happenings of this week that led me to today.
Today I made the decision that I don’t ever want to go
through a week like this one again without doing something about my faith and
my relationship with Christ. I want to be an intentional Christian. I want to
be an intentional disciple of Christ. No longer am I going to sit back and care
what people in the Church think of the way I worship. I’m not going to not
speak the truth of Christ because I’m afraid that someone will think I’m
strange. I want to be excited for Christ. I want to have and feel emotion when
I worship, especially if it’s after a week like this one where I’ve been
drained by the world, that I come to worship and am filled again with hope of
the eternal King, where I am rejuvenated and challenged. I want to be an
example to others that worship is good, worship is exciting, worship is
intentional, and worship is completely and wholly about bringing praise to God.
I want to be an example in my Church that demonstrates that showing emotion and
showing that you have a desire to be there is not irreverent or silly or not
being serious but that it’s healthy and necessary for the church to grow and
multiple. Because that’s where it starts. With one or two or three people
saying that they want to be intentional for Christ and then change begins to
happen in how they respond to life and events and suddenly there are more and
more people catching the contagious fire of being in love with Christ.
When we are before the throne of God in Heaven I imagine
dancing, and shouting, and singing, and praying, and laughter and joy. I do not
picture a bored congregation of people, singing only because the words are on
the screen, not daring to celebrate the God we serve because someone might
judge us. I deeply pray that intentional living, intentional worship and
intentional discipleship will be something that we see happening everywhere, a
contagious fire for a God that is already so deeply on fire for us.
So this was a tough week, but what I’m learning and realizing
through worship and through God’s spirit in me is that it’s good to have my
eyes opened to the weakness of my faith, that I can do something about it, that
I’m OKAY, that I will get through even this because God is good.
“Give me faith to trust what You say. That You're good, and
Your love is great. All I am, I surrender.”
Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship:
